Fatherhood

www.themoralliberal.com

Please check out this video, it is one of my favorites on fatherhood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5FxdCgD-qI       

             Studies have shown that the role of the father in the home is extremely significant.  From increasing the likelihood of good grades to improving the emotional maturity of their children, fathers who have a healthy relationship with their kids are invaluable (see https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/chaptertwo.cfm).

  I am going to highlight five important points from an article I recently read.  It will provide insight into the media representation of fatherhood.  I’ll also talk about some experiences I had with my own dad and how they impacted me.  Then I will conclude with my personal ideal of fatherhood.

Fathers in Sitcoms

One of my interests is how the family is affected by popular media.  I recently read an article on fatherhood that was written by Pehlke, Hennon, Radina, and Kuvalanka (2009).  It was entitled, “Does Father Still Know Best?: An Inductive Thematic Analysis of Popular TV Sitcoms.”  In this article, the authors discuss how fatherhood has been portrayed by the television industry and specifically popular family sitcoms.

www.imdb.com

1.  According to Douglas and Olson in 1996 (as cited in Pehlke et al. 2009), both married and divorced individuals have cited television shows as guides for their personal behavior.  In other words, the way marriage and family life is portrayed on television acts as a socializing tool.  What we see is often what we believe is normal, acceptable, and valued.  “Television families seem to ‘affect the way in which people think about marriage and the family,’” and even impact our behavior.  Therefore, the way fatherhood is portrayed on television may affect the way children and adults view fatherhood.  Father characters in sitcoms are potential role models for current and future fathers. 

2.  In another study also conducted by Douglas and Olson in 1997 (as cited in Pehlke et al. 2009), the researchers found that in recent years sitcoms and television shows reflected less positive family traits and that they “displayed more spousal dominance, less satisfaction, and less stability.”  If individuals use television characters as role models, then declining positive role models in the media may correlate with declining societal family values.  It is important then to analyze the media and understand how it is portraying family life, and fatherhood.

3.  The authors of the article discussed how situational comedies imply that humor and jokes will be used at the expense of the characters.  According to a content analysis done by Scharrer (as cited in Pehlke et al. 2009), “fathers were…more likely to be portrayed foolishly” and this portrayal increased in intensity with each decade (exception 1970’s) – as analyzed from the 1950’s-1999.  Shifting family values and portrayals in the media reflects shifting societal changes.  It becomes especially important then to recognize in which direction it is changing.  Looking at the trends of values in media helps us to recognize the changes in our societal trends (Pearl et al., 1982, as cited in Pehlke et al. 2009).

4.  In the current study I read, Pehlke et al. (2009) found two trends which I found significant.  The first was that dads in the sitcoms were often depicted spending quality time with their children and also teaching life lessons.  The importance in this finding is that real-life fathers also engage in these activities and that they are correlated with positive child outcomes.  Therefore, our media is both reflecting these societal values as well as promoting them.

5.  The second important finding from Pehlke et al. (2009) was that fathers  -- particularly working-class fathers – were often negatively portrayed as being foolish or “bumbling”.  The authors point out that “fathers, as well as other members of the family network, were often intentionally depicted as sometimes socially incompetent and/or engaged in activities designed to be comical for the benefit of the viewing audience.   However, these negative messages possibly do little to dispel the notion that fathers are somewhat incompetent in their roles and, therefore, deserving to be the butt of the family’s jokes.”  In other words sitcoms still have an impact on the way we view fatherhood.  This study made me realize that what I watch changes how I think.  As I watch television, I must be wary in how I internalize and interpret family life and fatherhood. 

My Daddy

                One of my favorite things to do is watch old family videos, especially the ones where I am in them as a little baby.  Far from being narcissistic, this desire mostly comes from the fact that I don’t remember those things on my own.  I don’t remember what my dad and mom were like when I was a baby.  I don’t remember the things that we did together or what they said to me.  They give me a portion of my life back!  So, although I don’t remember the following experience, it is something I have relived in video form.

                When I was about a 1½ years old my dad tried to teach me the word “football”.  He began by holding the football in front of my face and asked, “Samantha, what’s this?!”  Without hesitation I yelled, “Mic-a-mac”!  From the home video I know he began to laugh.  We continued to play, he repeatedly asked me what the football was called, and I repeatedly answered as aforementioned. 

                Although this exchange might mean nothing to an outsider, every time I watch this film I am touched.  I am touched because my dad spent time with me, teaching me about footballs and listening to me even when I had no idea what I was talking about…literally.  From this simple exchange I gained an understanding that my dad loved me.  Quality time spent speaking nonsense says more than five minutes spent in professional conversation. 

thejosevilson.com

What Can I Do?

                There are two things that I know I can do to provide the best dad for my children.  Both start now with my singlehood, and the second one continues to be in effect after marriage.

                First – dating.  The first thing that I can do to provide a good father for my children is to date good men.  And here are three traits that I consider necessary to be a good father: 1- have a love and patience for others.  How much more will a man love and have patience for his future children if he is first able to have those feelings for others?  2- place the highest importance on family.  3- be free of addiction.  Addiction can negatively impact all relationships, particularly those closest to you.  A man who truly wants to father children will work to remove all addiction and instead foster positive relationships.

flfamily.org

                Second—working on me.  The second thing I can do is to fulfill my role as a loving and supportive wife and mother.  I do this by working on traits like those I mentioned for the “good father”.  Also, becoming good at communication will help me to strengthen my husband in his role as father.  But it is most important that I am good before I attempt to make others good.  This is a lifelong process that I do not expect to perfect before I get married or even before I become a grandmother.  But as I work on my role, I can help my spouse work on his.  Together we can guide our children towards eternal well-being.

References:

Pehlke, T. A., Hennon, C. B., Radina, M. E., Kuvalanka, K. A. (2009). Does father still know best?: An         inductive thematic analysis of popular TV sitcoms. Fathering, 1(2). 114-139.

The Importance of Communication

   The other day I caught myself pretending to listen to one of my friends.  We were walking to class together and talking about our plans for next semester.  Both of us are looking for internships, which is a difficult process. She was talking and I gave her what I thought was an appropriate response. "Wait...", she replied, "that isn't what I said."  Unfortunately, somewhere during the conversation I had become distracted and went into auto-response mode.  And she had caught me.

bluefinn.net

   That situation was awkward and embarrassing.  Because I care about my friend I also felt bad.  However, it didn't ruin our friendship; we just started back up where we had left off and this time I listened more clearly.  But it does illustrate the point that the function of communication within a relationship is vital.  Without good communication we cannot relate appropriately to other people. 

   There are two kinds of communication, verbal and nonverbal.  Researchers estimate anywhere from 50-80% of communication is nonverbal (Lauer & Lauer, 2012).  But that doesn't mean that verbal communication is less important.  In fact, in many ways it is more important because it can help clarify messages we are trying to convey including nonverbal messages. 

   When we communicate our thoughts and feelings to another person it is called encoding.  Basically, encoding is putting our abstract ideas into concrete expressions through verbal or nonverbal expression.  Unfortunately, the person who receives our encoded message does not always decode -- or understand -- that message correctly.  Especially with nonverbal cues, signals can be misread (Lauer & Lauer, 2012).  That is why it is so important to consistently check how the other person is understanding your message.

www.laredokids.com

   Rehman and Holtzworht-Munroe (2007) have found that feelings of satisfaction and dissatisfaction within family life is closely tied to the way that people communicate.  It is vital for individuals and families to understand the importance of communication and to practice listening, understanding, and trying to be understood.

   Elder M. Russell Ballard -- an Apostle of the LDS Church -- has stressed the importance of communication in a series of discourses (Ballard, 1993, 1994, 2003).  He speaks particularly on counseling together in leadership positions as well as home and family life.  Ballard defines a council as two or more family members engaging in a discussion.  However, he explains that it is when everyone is engaged -- appropriately including children -- that individuals feel ownership over a situation and can effectively solve problems together.  Situations of counseling together need to be natural and open, and children need to be heard.

   One of the most important points in Ballard's lecture (2003) is that the more stressed home-life may be, the more important family councils become.

   I'll end with a quote from his 2003 talk, "I have no hesitancy in giving you the assurance, if you will confer in council as you are expected to, God will give you solutions to the problems that confront you."

Ballard, M. R. (1993). Strength in counsel. Ensign.

Ballard, M. R. (1994). Counseling with our councils. Ensign.

Ballard, M. R. & Ballard, B. (2003). Family councils: A conversation with elder and sister ballard. Ensign. 

Lauer, R. H., & Lauer, J. C. (2012). Marriage and Family.  New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Rehman, U. S., & Holtzworth-Munroe, A. (2007). A cross-cultural examination of the relation of marital communication behavior to marital satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 27. 159-183.

Family Patterns -- A Genogram Insight

     Two years ago I completed a family genogram for a marriage and family class. Let me give you a 'quick' definition of a genogram:

     It is "a graphic representation of a family tree that displays detailed data on relationships among individuals. It goes beyond a traditional family tree by allowing the user to analyze hereditary patterns and psychological factors that punctuate relationships... The genogram maps out relationships and traits that may otherwise be missed on a pedigree chart" (www.genopro.com).

    In other words, it shows not only your biological relationships to family members, but also the social and psychological relationships.  Examples include patterns of abuse as well as patterns of prosocial behavior.


This picture is an example of a genogram from www.reentrypolicy.org

   This experience was a very insightful one for me.  I communicated mainly with my mom to gather information about both sides of my family (going back three generations).  When I completed the project, I found myself staring at two posters covered in names and symbols.  Seeing it as a whole suddenly gave me vast insight into my family.  There were so many patterns of behavior that I could see influencing our relationships and experiences in the home.
 
    Studies show children often copy behavior they are exposed to, even if it is not directed at them.  Also, they are likely to mirror the marital relationship of their parents in their own marriage (Kalmus, 1984).  This is the reason why patterns of abuse seem to follow families.  How a child views interactions with their parents is also correlated with their own marital adjustment and psychological maturity (Bartle-Haring, & Sabatelli, 1998).   These trends were made personal and obvious to me as I viewed my own genogram.  For better or for worse, children are influenced by their experiences in the home.  

www.lutheranfamily.org

Seeing these patterns impacted my view of parenthood.  What we do in the home does not stay in the home.  But here is the cool thing: the more we know about behavior trends the more power we have to change them!  I challenge you to take a look at your own family patterns.  It is insightful.  It helps you to see where some of your own behavior tendencies come from.  And it may help you make changes for the better.

"We know that [those] who have deep appreciation for the past will be concerned about shaping a righteous future." - Spencer W. Kimball (12th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints)

Bartle-Haring, S., & Sabatelli, R. (1998). An intergenerational examination of patterns of individual and family adjustment. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(4). 903-911. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/353633

Kalmus, D. (1984). The intergenerational transmission of marital aggression. Journal of Marriage and Family, 46(1). 11-10. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/351858

Family Crises and ABC-X

thechildrenscenterinc.org

     A crisis can be defined as a traumatic event or experience that pushes the individual or a group to the point of breaking, and often past that point.  It is often as families face difficult crises that they become tested and either are made stronger or made to break under the pressure.

     Reuben Hill, a social scientist, once wrote a paper describing the kinds of patterns and outcomes that occur during a family crisis.  His model is called the ABCX-model.  The A stands for the actual event that the family is faced with.

       Often when we think of a crisis the most traumatic or difficult event we can think of comes to our minds.  But typically we don't experience those.  They are more rare.  It is the day-to-day experiences that are found to be the most influential in the course of an individual and family life.  These challenges are called normative because they generally occur in every life.  They include financial difficulties, developmental stages, and academic stressors.  Non-normative events are those which are more often unique to the individual.  They take the form of natural disasters, life-threatening illnesses, or addictions.  

     Next is B, both the resources that are available and what the family does with them.  

     These resources include physical, mental, spiritual, financial, and social resources.  Typically it isn't the kind of crisis that determines whether a family will be able to overcome it, it is what resources they have that matters.  Even then, if the individuals do not use their resources then it

doesn't matter whether they have them or not.  


     Cognition is represented by the C, or how the family views the crisis.  

     Every individual within a family perceives a specific crisis differently than the other members do. They also have different resources available to them -- even though some of them are probably the same.  Because of this, it becomes very important that each member of the family groups is communicating their feelings and experiences with the other members.  As they communicate it will become clear whether they need help to alt their perception of the crisis.  Some ways of thinking about traumatic events are much healthier than others.  

     Have you ever heard of learned-helplessness?  It is both a way of thinking and a way of behaving. A person can reach the point of learned-helplessness when they feel as though they do not have power to change a situation.  It is when they are in this state that they are unwilling to try even if they have the opportunity to improve their circumstances.  Learned-helplessness is a dangerous way of thinking.  It can lead to the death of individuals and families because people give up.  That is why cognition is so important in the pattern of a family crisis.    

     We can change the way we think about our circumstances by first becoming aware of our thoughts, assessing our thoughts, and then changing our thoughts.  When we learn to recognize faulty reasoning or demoralizing ideas then we can change them.  Turn a destructive mental process into a 
productive and uplifting mindfulness.  And this goes back to communicating with family members.  It is easier to recognize unhelpful and incorrect attitudes if you are talking about them with people you care about and who care about you.


     X is the cumulative experience of the event.  


     Individuals and families do not have to come out of normative or non-normative events broken and weaker.  In fact, crises and stressers will often bring a family closer together.  But it is only after resources have been used properly and all family members are aware of each others' needs -- including their own -- that they can help each other to heal. 

Caldwell K, Boyd CP.  Coping and resilience in farming families affected by drought. Rural and Remote Health 9: 1088. (Online) 2009. Available: http://www.rrh.org.au




     

Children, Teens, and Charity

     Someday, I am going to be a mom.  I think since I was very, very little I have wanted to be a mom. I have always looked forward to taking care of children, teaching them, loving them, and encouraging them.  Today I have been thinking about ways that I can become a better mom, particularly as regarding teaching my children about relationships.

     The first step in being able to teach someone else is understanding the material yourself.  So, this means if I want to teach my children about relationships, I need to have a pretty firm understanding about what they mean in my own life.  This week especially has been an important week of growth for me in how I perceive my relationships with other people.

     One of the first things I learned is that intimacy doesn't simply refer to the physical part of a relationship.  I can be intimate and romantic even when I am not physicaly involved with another person.  I guess that worries me a bit.  I love to be with people.  I am someone who loves to talk to others and meet people.  I love making new friends.  But one of Satan's tools is to make a married person feel emotionally distant from their spouse and encourage their affections for others outside of the marriage.  When I am married I will need to be especially wary that I do not plant seeds of affection outside of my relationship with my spouse unless the other relationships encourage and maintain that most vital companionship with my husband.

    I have also thought a lot about my past experiences with dating.  I had my very first boyfriend at fifteen, much to my parents' disapproval.  What I didn't know then-- but am learning now -- is that I craved emotional attachment.  And I still crave emotional attachment.  Every person does!  But the problem that I had as a teenager is that I didn't know how to use that craving to establish healthy relationships with my peers.  I remember vividly wishing that I had close friends, and I particularly sought the companionship of boys. It was so easy to accept a boyfriend when the first opportunity came along.

     The most important thing that I have learned in the past couple of years -- and even months -- is that positive relationships can be established and maintained without being romantic.  What I want my children to know is that love does not have to be romantic to be meaningful.

     Other things that I feel are important for them to understand is that they are children of God, that their bodies are temples, and that the way our world views sex and romance is skewed.  Love does not have to be passionate, it shouldn't be impulsive, and that it should be pure.  I want my children to gain a deep, personal understanding and testimony of their relationship with God.  Charity will follow, and romance at the appropriate time.