Gender Roles and Sexual Orientation -- Teaching Children

   Our gender identity begins to form from the moment we are born.  Studies have shown children as young as 18 months exhibiting gender differentiated play (Caldera et al, as cited in Golberg, kashy, & Smith, 2012).  One of the reasons is because parents interact with their children differently whether they are a boy or a girl.  According to one study, mothers speak more and interact more with their daughters than with their sons.  Sons are also given more instruction than daughters (Blakemore & Centers, as cited in Lauer, 2012).

jontybabe.blogspot.com

  Interaction between parents and children is not the only impact that parents have on children's development of gender identity.  Research by Bandura has found that children model behavior exhibited by their parents.  Goldberg, Kashy, and Smith (2012) make the argument that -- based on the theory of social learning -- children learn gender roles by watching their parents interact with each other and with their environment.  Results of their study supported their theory.  Boys of lesbian mothers were less likely to engage in masculine play.  Overall children of homosexual parents were much less differentiated in their play than children of heterosexual couples (Goldberg, Kashy, & Smith, 2012).

   Parents are not the only influences, however.  If I were to base my theory of gender roles on what my parents did alone then I would think it highly strange that women participate frequently in the work force and that men stay home with children.  Society also plays a role in social learning.  Yet the importance of interaction between parents and children cannot be overstated.  In several recent studies it has been found that individuals who have homosexual or bisexual orientation are at greater risk of developing psychiatric disorders such as depression or anxiety (Zietsch et al., 2011).  Therefore, it is important that a home has a mother and a father who model gender roles for their children.  This helps to not only communicates to the child the differences between genders, but it helps the child to establish their own gender identity.

References

Goldberg, A. E., Kashy, D. A., Smith, J. Z. (2012). Gender-typed play behavior in early childhood: Adopted children with lesbian, gay, and heterosexual parents. Sex Roles, 67(9-10). 503-515.

Lauer, R. H., Lauer, J. C. (2012). Marriage and Family; New York, NY: McGraw-Hill

Zietsch, B. P., Verweij, K. J., Bailey, J. M., Wright, M. J., Martin, N. G. (2011). Sexual orientation and psychiatric vulnerability: A twin study of neuroticism and psychoticism. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(1). 133-42.

Divorce Education

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend UTCFR (Utah Council on Family Relations). It was their annual conference. I was very excited because it was the first conference that I had ever attended on the family. I learned so much at this conference. Some of the highlights were learning about Kinship Care; the effects of prayer on personal motivation, emotions, and perceptions across varying faiths; changing trends in dating; trends in attendance of marriage preparation classes; the volunteer CASA program; and there were numerous presentations about school shootings. I think it would be so wonderful to blog about all of those topics. They all had an impact on me. However, the presentation that I want to highlight in this blog comes from the keynote address given by Alan Hawkins, PhD.

The presentation gave some interesting statistics about divorce. According to Hawkins, 10% of couples going through the divorce process still believe that the marriage could be saved. 10% of couples are also interested in reconciliation, even while going through divorce. The findings of the study he cited are interesting. They suggest that many individuals who divorce could have reconciled had they had the proper help and information.

Hawkins' presentation then featured the Divorce Orientation Education (DOE) classes in Utah. Differing from Divorcing Parents Education, DOE classes contain information on the effects of divorce. They also give the couple advice on how they could save their marriage. Utah currently mandates that individuals with a dependent child who file for divorce must take this class. The filing parent must take the class within 60 days of filing.

Because the Divorce Orientation Education classes are being pioneered by Utah, and because they are relatively new, the effects of these classes have not yet been studied. Hawkins' presentation included ways in which he believed the classes needed to be improved. The following are his concerns:

A. There has been no research done on these classes.
B. The classes are overseen by the Administrative Office of the Court.
C. Implementation policy is problematic: curriculum is unstandardized, teachers create their own curriculum.
E. 80% of attending couples said that they needed it at the beginning of their divorce instead of at the end. In other words, they receive the information too late into the divorce to save their marriage.

Hawkins' suggestions are these:

A. Change the timing of post-filing requirements to pre-filing requirements. This may allow couples to get information before they feel it is too late to save their marriage.
B. Provide online classes - this would give couples more privacy as well as require standardization of course curriculum.
C. Research needs to be done on the effectiveness of DOE's to see what works and what does not. Are the classes doing what they are meant to?
D. Support policies which implement and increase the effectiveness of these programs.

Overall the presentation was very insightful. The opportunity for couples to receive help could change the number of families who go through a divorce. This is needed in a our society where so many children are affected by divided, reconstituted, and high-conflict homes.

For more information visit divorce.usu.edu

Myths about Marriage

When I was growing up there were some things about marriage that I very naturally believed. One of them was that no matter who I married we would always agree. We would never fight! Another thing I believed was that love came freely -- no work required! And finally, handsome princes were everywhere and mine was just waiting to sweep me off of my feet.

These fantasy ideals can seem pretty childish to the average adult. They certainly don't leave room for human imperfection. That's why I have had to carefully alter my perception of love and marriage. I can't have true patience or love for my spouse if I expect perfection from him. Faulty ideas of relationships can be potentially damaging. And while some myths are easy to recognize, others are not so easy and are actually widely accepted. The following are common myths that individuals in the United States have regarding marriage:

1. We have lost generational families
2. Opposites attract
3. People always marry because they love each other
4. Having children increases marital satisfaction
5. Good sex is the best predictor of marital satisfaction
6. Happily married people don't have conflict
7. Half of all marriages end in divorce

Instead of these myths, consider the following:

1. The multigenerational family has never been particularly common. While in the 1940's there was a drop in their rate, recently there has been a reverse of this trend.
2. The more similar you are to an individual in socioeconomic status, age, religion, and education level the more likely you are to be attracted to each other.
3. We are driven to marriage by a number of different reasons. These include loneliness, opportunity for economic and emotional security, or because we are expected to.
4. Impact of children on the marriage depends on the quality of the marriage. However, generally couples report a decrease in satisfaction after the birth of a child.
5. The satisfaction within a marriage is not dependent on sexual activity, including quality and quantity. Happy and unhappy marriages can experience both positive and negative sexual satisfaction with no correlating effect on marital satisfaction.
6. Every person is different and will therefore bring different opinions to a relationships. This is no different for marriage relationships. Conflict is not necessarily a predictor of divorce, but conflict resolution is.
7. Divorce trends are very difficult to predict. What is known is that education level, religious affiliation, income, family history, and marriage after 25 without already having a child significantly decrease the chance of divorce.

Watch out for these myths and consider the alternatives. This information was taken from:

Lauer, R. H., Lauer, J. C. (2012). Marriage and Family; New York, NY: McGraw-Hill

Fatherhood

www.themoralliberal.com

Please check out this video, it is one of my favorites on fatherhood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5FxdCgD-qI       

             Studies have shown that the role of the father in the home is extremely significant.  From increasing the likelihood of good grades to improving the emotional maturity of their children, fathers who have a healthy relationship with their kids are invaluable (see https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/chaptertwo.cfm).

  I am going to highlight five important points from an article I recently read.  It will provide insight into the media representation of fatherhood.  I’ll also talk about some experiences I had with my own dad and how they impacted me.  Then I will conclude with my personal ideal of fatherhood.

Fathers in Sitcoms

One of my interests is how the family is affected by popular media.  I recently read an article on fatherhood that was written by Pehlke, Hennon, Radina, and Kuvalanka (2009).  It was entitled, “Does Father Still Know Best?: An Inductive Thematic Analysis of Popular TV Sitcoms.”  In this article, the authors discuss how fatherhood has been portrayed by the television industry and specifically popular family sitcoms.

www.imdb.com

1.  According to Douglas and Olson in 1996 (as cited in Pehlke et al. 2009), both married and divorced individuals have cited television shows as guides for their personal behavior.  In other words, the way marriage and family life is portrayed on television acts as a socializing tool.  What we see is often what we believe is normal, acceptable, and valued.  “Television families seem to ‘affect the way in which people think about marriage and the family,’” and even impact our behavior.  Therefore, the way fatherhood is portrayed on television may affect the way children and adults view fatherhood.  Father characters in sitcoms are potential role models for current and future fathers. 

2.  In another study also conducted by Douglas and Olson in 1997 (as cited in Pehlke et al. 2009), the researchers found that in recent years sitcoms and television shows reflected less positive family traits and that they “displayed more spousal dominance, less satisfaction, and less stability.”  If individuals use television characters as role models, then declining positive role models in the media may correlate with declining societal family values.  It is important then to analyze the media and understand how it is portraying family life, and fatherhood.

3.  The authors of the article discussed how situational comedies imply that humor and jokes will be used at the expense of the characters.  According to a content analysis done by Scharrer (as cited in Pehlke et al. 2009), “fathers were…more likely to be portrayed foolishly” and this portrayal increased in intensity with each decade (exception 1970’s) – as analyzed from the 1950’s-1999.  Shifting family values and portrayals in the media reflects shifting societal changes.  It becomes especially important then to recognize in which direction it is changing.  Looking at the trends of values in media helps us to recognize the changes in our societal trends (Pearl et al., 1982, as cited in Pehlke et al. 2009).

4.  In the current study I read, Pehlke et al. (2009) found two trends which I found significant.  The first was that dads in the sitcoms were often depicted spending quality time with their children and also teaching life lessons.  The importance in this finding is that real-life fathers also engage in these activities and that they are correlated with positive child outcomes.  Therefore, our media is both reflecting these societal values as well as promoting them.

5.  The second important finding from Pehlke et al. (2009) was that fathers  -- particularly working-class fathers – were often negatively portrayed as being foolish or “bumbling”.  The authors point out that “fathers, as well as other members of the family network, were often intentionally depicted as sometimes socially incompetent and/or engaged in activities designed to be comical for the benefit of the viewing audience.   However, these negative messages possibly do little to dispel the notion that fathers are somewhat incompetent in their roles and, therefore, deserving to be the butt of the family’s jokes.”  In other words sitcoms still have an impact on the way we view fatherhood.  This study made me realize that what I watch changes how I think.  As I watch television, I must be wary in how I internalize and interpret family life and fatherhood. 

My Daddy

                One of my favorite things to do is watch old family videos, especially the ones where I am in them as a little baby.  Far from being narcissistic, this desire mostly comes from the fact that I don’t remember those things on my own.  I don’t remember what my dad and mom were like when I was a baby.  I don’t remember the things that we did together or what they said to me.  They give me a portion of my life back!  So, although I don’t remember the following experience, it is something I have relived in video form.

                When I was about a 1½ years old my dad tried to teach me the word “football”.  He began by holding the football in front of my face and asked, “Samantha, what’s this?!”  Without hesitation I yelled, “Mic-a-mac”!  From the home video I know he began to laugh.  We continued to play, he repeatedly asked me what the football was called, and I repeatedly answered as aforementioned. 

                Although this exchange might mean nothing to an outsider, every time I watch this film I am touched.  I am touched because my dad spent time with me, teaching me about footballs and listening to me even when I had no idea what I was talking about…literally.  From this simple exchange I gained an understanding that my dad loved me.  Quality time spent speaking nonsense says more than five minutes spent in professional conversation. 

thejosevilson.com

What Can I Do?

                There are two things that I know I can do to provide the best dad for my children.  Both start now with my singlehood, and the second one continues to be in effect after marriage.

                First – dating.  The first thing that I can do to provide a good father for my children is to date good men.  And here are three traits that I consider necessary to be a good father: 1- have a love and patience for others.  How much more will a man love and have patience for his future children if he is first able to have those feelings for others?  2- place the highest importance on family.  3- be free of addiction.  Addiction can negatively impact all relationships, particularly those closest to you.  A man who truly wants to father children will work to remove all addiction and instead foster positive relationships.

flfamily.org

                Second—working on me.  The second thing I can do is to fulfill my role as a loving and supportive wife and mother.  I do this by working on traits like those I mentioned for the “good father”.  Also, becoming good at communication will help me to strengthen my husband in his role as father.  But it is most important that I am good before I attempt to make others good.  This is a lifelong process that I do not expect to perfect before I get married or even before I become a grandmother.  But as I work on my role, I can help my spouse work on his.  Together we can guide our children towards eternal well-being.

References:

Pehlke, T. A., Hennon, C. B., Radina, M. E., Kuvalanka, K. A. (2009). Does father still know best?: An         inductive thematic analysis of popular TV sitcoms. Fathering, 1(2). 114-139.

The Importance of Communication

   The other day I caught myself pretending to listen to one of my friends.  We were walking to class together and talking about our plans for next semester.  Both of us are looking for internships, which is a difficult process. She was talking and I gave her what I thought was an appropriate response. "Wait...", she replied, "that isn't what I said."  Unfortunately, somewhere during the conversation I had become distracted and went into auto-response mode.  And she had caught me.

bluefinn.net

   That situation was awkward and embarrassing.  Because I care about my friend I also felt bad.  However, it didn't ruin our friendship; we just started back up where we had left off and this time I listened more clearly.  But it does illustrate the point that the function of communication within a relationship is vital.  Without good communication we cannot relate appropriately to other people. 

   There are two kinds of communication, verbal and nonverbal.  Researchers estimate anywhere from 50-80% of communication is nonverbal (Lauer & Lauer, 2012).  But that doesn't mean that verbal communication is less important.  In fact, in many ways it is more important because it can help clarify messages we are trying to convey including nonverbal messages. 

   When we communicate our thoughts and feelings to another person it is called encoding.  Basically, encoding is putting our abstract ideas into concrete expressions through verbal or nonverbal expression.  Unfortunately, the person who receives our encoded message does not always decode -- or understand -- that message correctly.  Especially with nonverbal cues, signals can be misread (Lauer & Lauer, 2012).  That is why it is so important to consistently check how the other person is understanding your message.

www.laredokids.com

   Rehman and Holtzworht-Munroe (2007) have found that feelings of satisfaction and dissatisfaction within family life is closely tied to the way that people communicate.  It is vital for individuals and families to understand the importance of communication and to practice listening, understanding, and trying to be understood.

   Elder M. Russell Ballard -- an Apostle of the LDS Church -- has stressed the importance of communication in a series of discourses (Ballard, 1993, 1994, 2003).  He speaks particularly on counseling together in leadership positions as well as home and family life.  Ballard defines a council as two or more family members engaging in a discussion.  However, he explains that it is when everyone is engaged -- appropriately including children -- that individuals feel ownership over a situation and can effectively solve problems together.  Situations of counseling together need to be natural and open, and children need to be heard.

   One of the most important points in Ballard's lecture (2003) is that the more stressed home-life may be, the more important family councils become.

   I'll end with a quote from his 2003 talk, "I have no hesitancy in giving you the assurance, if you will confer in council as you are expected to, God will give you solutions to the problems that confront you."

Ballard, M. R. (1993). Strength in counsel. Ensign.

Ballard, M. R. (1994). Counseling with our councils. Ensign.

Ballard, M. R. & Ballard, B. (2003). Family councils: A conversation with elder and sister ballard. Ensign. 

Lauer, R. H., & Lauer, J. C. (2012). Marriage and Family.  New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Rehman, U. S., & Holtzworth-Munroe, A. (2007). A cross-cultural examination of the relation of marital communication behavior to marital satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 27. 159-183.

Family Patterns -- A Genogram Insight

     Two years ago I completed a family genogram for a marriage and family class. Let me give you a 'quick' definition of a genogram:

     It is "a graphic representation of a family tree that displays detailed data on relationships among individuals. It goes beyond a traditional family tree by allowing the user to analyze hereditary patterns and psychological factors that punctuate relationships... The genogram maps out relationships and traits that may otherwise be missed on a pedigree chart" (www.genopro.com).

    In other words, it shows not only your biological relationships to family members, but also the social and psychological relationships.  Examples include patterns of abuse as well as patterns of prosocial behavior.


This picture is an example of a genogram from www.reentrypolicy.org

   This experience was a very insightful one for me.  I communicated mainly with my mom to gather information about both sides of my family (going back three generations).  When I completed the project, I found myself staring at two posters covered in names and symbols.  Seeing it as a whole suddenly gave me vast insight into my family.  There were so many patterns of behavior that I could see influencing our relationships and experiences in the home.
 
    Studies show children often copy behavior they are exposed to, even if it is not directed at them.  Also, they are likely to mirror the marital relationship of their parents in their own marriage (Kalmus, 1984).  This is the reason why patterns of abuse seem to follow families.  How a child views interactions with their parents is also correlated with their own marital adjustment and psychological maturity (Bartle-Haring, & Sabatelli, 1998).   These trends were made personal and obvious to me as I viewed my own genogram.  For better or for worse, children are influenced by their experiences in the home.  

www.lutheranfamily.org

Seeing these patterns impacted my view of parenthood.  What we do in the home does not stay in the home.  But here is the cool thing: the more we know about behavior trends the more power we have to change them!  I challenge you to take a look at your own family patterns.  It is insightful.  It helps you to see where some of your own behavior tendencies come from.  And it may help you make changes for the better.

"We know that [those] who have deep appreciation for the past will be concerned about shaping a righteous future." - Spencer W. Kimball (12th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints)

Bartle-Haring, S., & Sabatelli, R. (1998). An intergenerational examination of patterns of individual and family adjustment. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(4). 903-911. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/353633

Kalmus, D. (1984). The intergenerational transmission of marital aggression. Journal of Marriage and Family, 46(1). 11-10. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/351858

Family Crises and ABC-X

thechildrenscenterinc.org

     A crisis can be defined as a traumatic event or experience that pushes the individual or a group to the point of breaking, and often past that point.  It is often as families face difficult crises that they become tested and either are made stronger or made to break under the pressure.

     Reuben Hill, a social scientist, once wrote a paper describing the kinds of patterns and outcomes that occur during a family crisis.  His model is called the ABCX-model.  The A stands for the actual event that the family is faced with.

       Often when we think of a crisis the most traumatic or difficult event we can think of comes to our minds.  But typically we don't experience those.  They are more rare.  It is the day-to-day experiences that are found to be the most influential in the course of an individual and family life.  These challenges are called normative because they generally occur in every life.  They include financial difficulties, developmental stages, and academic stressors.  Non-normative events are those which are more often unique to the individual.  They take the form of natural disasters, life-threatening illnesses, or addictions.  

     Next is B, both the resources that are available and what the family does with them.  

     These resources include physical, mental, spiritual, financial, and social resources.  Typically it isn't the kind of crisis that determines whether a family will be able to overcome it, it is what resources they have that matters.  Even then, if the individuals do not use their resources then it

doesn't matter whether they have them or not.  


     Cognition is represented by the C, or how the family views the crisis.  

     Every individual within a family perceives a specific crisis differently than the other members do. They also have different resources available to them -- even though some of them are probably the same.  Because of this, it becomes very important that each member of the family groups is communicating their feelings and experiences with the other members.  As they communicate it will become clear whether they need help to alt their perception of the crisis.  Some ways of thinking about traumatic events are much healthier than others.  

     Have you ever heard of learned-helplessness?  It is both a way of thinking and a way of behaving. A person can reach the point of learned-helplessness when they feel as though they do not have power to change a situation.  It is when they are in this state that they are unwilling to try even if they have the opportunity to improve their circumstances.  Learned-helplessness is a dangerous way of thinking.  It can lead to the death of individuals and families because people give up.  That is why cognition is so important in the pattern of a family crisis.    

     We can change the way we think about our circumstances by first becoming aware of our thoughts, assessing our thoughts, and then changing our thoughts.  When we learn to recognize faulty reasoning or demoralizing ideas then we can change them.  Turn a destructive mental process into a 
productive and uplifting mindfulness.  And this goes back to communicating with family members.  It is easier to recognize unhelpful and incorrect attitudes if you are talking about them with people you care about and who care about you.


     X is the cumulative experience of the event.  


     Individuals and families do not have to come out of normative or non-normative events broken and weaker.  In fact, crises and stressers will often bring a family closer together.  But it is only after resources have been used properly and all family members are aware of each others' needs -- including their own -- that they can help each other to heal. 

Caldwell K, Boyd CP.  Coping and resilience in farming families affected by drought. Rural and Remote Health 9: 1088. (Online) 2009. Available: http://www.rrh.org.au